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MAX PAYNE review

Yes, I will admit right off the bat that I actually paid money to see this film in the theatre, and NO, I didn't expect it to be good... exactly. I had been nursing a sick fascination with the film ever since finding out that Mila Kunis was playing an assassin and laughing my ass off (but on the inside) while watching the Mark Wahlberg Talks To Animals skit on SNL.

Who's a cute little assassin?

Judging from the many posters, I was expecting a lot of Max Payne staring down at Hell (or maybe he keeps dropping his keys), and looking up to Heaven (but with his eyes closed). And if the trailer was any indication, it would be very dark, snowy, and slow-motion(y). I really liked the video game when it came out in 2001, one of the first to utilize the "bullet time" feature where you could leap into the air, slow down time, and spray your opponents with bullets. That was fun. This movie, on the other hand, was not fun. Not one bit. And what the heck is Olga Kurylenko doing in this film when she was just in another video game movie HITMAN?! Thankfully she's moved on up to a role in the OK but not great QUANTUM OF SOLACE, but too bad she's a traitor to her country. :/

Now that I'm on about other video game movies, has there ever been a good one? RESIDENT EVIL is a guilty pleasure of mine, I just love it when the lovely Milla Jovovich kicks that evil dog in the head! Then there's Christophe Gan's version of SILENT HILL, which looked fantastic and was pretty creepy, but the story, as it is in the game, is pretty confounding. Now that only leaves IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE, which was the best comedy I saw in 2007! Perhaps there's hope in the future, when Gore Verbinski takes a stab at BIOSHOCK in 2010.


What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so Marky Mark, American Psycho 2, Ludacris, and Robin walk into a movie... Groan! I'm already bored talking about this, it's pretty dreadful on every level, and just listen to Payne's opening voice-over:

I don't believe in Heaven. I believe in Pain. I believe in Fear. I believe in Death.

I believe I regret paying money to watch this damn film!

From WTF?! to Meh? to AwesomeSauce!!

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