THE STRANGERS review

So we were fairly pleased to see the initial 'retro style' poster way back in January for THE STRANGERS, even though the story sounded a hell of a lot like the French film ILS, aka THEM from 2006. Then we saw the trailer and thought, "Hey, looks like it could be really creepy". Not gory or fantastical, but a tight little thriller that might give us pause when our heads hit the pillow, wondering if we remembered to lock the door. Well... I don't even remember getting into bed after watching this film.

THE STRANGERS is the very small story of James (Scott Speedman) and Kristen (Liv Tyler), spending the night in a somewhat isolated summer house after attending a wedding reception. They are terrorized by three strangers in masks. To tell you any more of the plot would give away what little there is that you havn't already gleamed from the trailer. Obviously, people in weird masks are scary.


At first I was really feeling it. There's a built in tension that I felt was played very well before we get to 'the strangers', and the initial reactions to these possible intruders gave me a bit of hope that we were not going to fall into the trap of jeopardy due to the protagonists idiotic actions. YES! If you're alone and you thing a weirdo is hanging around outside your isolated summer home, for god sakes grab a kitchen knife. Yay, common sense prevails... but unfortunately it doesn't last.


Yes, there a few 'jump out of your seat' moments and there were squeals from the audience when suddenly one of these masked strangers appeared in a window or slowly wondered into frame while our protagonists stood nearby unawares... but that was it. Soon enough I was calling all the typical mistakes and seemingly necessary scenes from countless movies where the writing isn't strong enough to convince us that if we were in the same situation we would have easily escaped 30 minutes into the movie. First there's 'you stay here while I go here'. Really? You're fairly sure there are ax murderers outside your front door, but I'm going to leave the woman I love alone in the house while I go do 'whatever'. Then there was the pre-requisite of where our heroine must trip and fall when running away, twisting her ankle and forcing her to hobble around for the rest of the film. And of course there's the friend who unawares stumbles in the fray... godspeed to you our slight chance at rescue!


On top of these cliches, we're given villains without a bit of personality or reason for their actions, not that it matters when our protagonists don't have the common sense God gave a rock.
Telling us it was "inspired by true events" only convinced me of the old adage "Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story."

STREET KINGS review

I was going to write a straight ahead review for this, but I really just don't want to. Now usually I enjoy writing about films that I find to have 'questionable merit', but in this case I'm going to try something different. First off, here's a brief plot synopsis I stole from the internets:

Tom Ludlow (Keanu Reeves) is a veteran LAPD cop who finds life difficult to navigate after the death of his wife. When evidence implicates him in the execution of a fellow officer, he is forced to go up against the cop culture he's been a part of his entire career, ultimately leading him to question the loyalties of everyone around him.

So, rather than describe this film as the product of a stoner's retread of L.A. CONFIDENTIAL, I present my seven helpful hints for a living the tough cop lifestyle:

1. When you wake up in the morning, always reach for your gun first, cuz you're a stone cold killer after all.
2. It's much easier to drink from those little airplane bottles of vodka while you're driving than a 40oz-er or a flask. Also, don't let a little vomit in the morning discourage you.
   
3. Dating a nurse is a great 2-fer, cuz you loves a good shoot out.
4. Sure, you and your co-workers might plant evidence to get the bad guys, but don't be surprised if your mates turn out to be 'really' dirty cops. (You might think this is a spoiler, but you'll be on board after the first 15 minutes of the film)
5. When someone gets shot, holding their hand dramatically is not as helpful as say trying to stop the bleeding or calling an ambulance.
6. Best way to gather information from a "perp"... yellow pages to the head!
7. Even if he really wants to, don't take your fresh faced new partner to kill the guys who killed your last partner.
   

Bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do? If you're Jay Mohr, please lose that moustache, it's trippin' me out!
Also, Aidan from Sex and the City isn't very intimidating despite his facial hair, and Forest Whitaker needs to turn it down a notch.

RED ROAD review

Winner of the Jury Prize at the 2006 Cannes Film Festival, the feature length debut by Brit writer/director Andrea Arnold is a dark, riveting, and awkwardly sensual tale of an employee of a private security firm that monitors the cctv cameras in a rough neighbourhood of North Glasgow. In a fantastic performance by Kate Dickie, Jackie lives a solitary existance, watching the everyday dramas of life around her through the security cameras, except for the occasion unfulfilling shag with a married co-worker in his car. One day she spots Clyde (Tony Curran), an ex-con who she becomes obsessed with for reasons we don't discover for most of the film. The only other piece of information we're given is that she has lost her husband and child in unrevealed circumstances.


RED ROAD is supposedly the first in a trilogy of films under the ADVANCE PARTY concept. The concept came out of a discussion with Lars Van Trier and the executive producers Lone Scherfig and Anders Thomas Jensen. Each film would be made by a first time director and producers, using a set list of characters and back stories which the directors could then write their story around. The same actors would be cast for all three films. The focus on which particular characters would be up to the individual director, but all the films would have to take place in Scotland.

As we watch Jackie's obsession with Clyde grow into a dangerous yet sexualized place her motives come into question despite the obvious pain that she's in, and you find your loyalties shifting right up until the reveal of their past connection.


Despite the ending, which compared to all that has come before might seem a bit trite, RED ROAD is a great tragic story told with a deft and rawness than is rarely found in a mainstream/studio picture. Apparently the second film is in 'development limbo', but I'd be very curious to see where this material goes from here.

DIARY OF THE DEAD review

George A. Romero's return to the world of zombies he pioneered with the groundbreaking 1968 film NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD is a kind of 're-boot', as it ignores the events of the past films and begins anew in our current times. Re-boot is also apropos as one of the overriding themes of the film is the saturation of media coverage and available technology that allows us all to document and broadcast the events of our everyday lives.


Starting off with a news report at the scene of a double murder (which happened to be shot across the street from where I'm typing this review) the undead first rise up to chomp upon cops and reporters alike. The film makes ample use of news footage, (including actual footage from what I assume was the Katrina aftermath) webcams, CCT feeds, and the like. The film itself that we are watching is supposed to be the edited footage of a documentary called The Death Of Death, which was started when a group of college kids and their sauced up professor were in the woods filming a student horror film when first reports of the living dead hit the airwaves. Director Jason decides that all most be documented, so he spends the majority of the film attached to the camera, despite the distress of his friends or the dangers they come across as they travel by Winnebago towards every one's respective homes.

Romero's films are usually works of social commentary, and this is no exception. In fact, it's so much so that I felt almost battered by it. Whether it was the voice over of the 'documentary' or the peculiar platitudes of the characters, I was left thinking over and over again "OK, I get it! On with the story please!"

And oh, did I mention this line:

"It used to be us vs. us. Now, it's us vs. them. But they are us."

Moving on... I found that the acting looked like acting (it's not suppose to btw) and the dialogue ranged from clunky to just plain silly. The characters were fairly unlikeable and completely incompetent, except that they were all pretty good shots with that handgun one of the character's happened to be carrying that apparently had the biggest clip ever!


Now this is a zombie movie so I should talk about the kills and the gore, which though fairly infrequent were imaginative and even shocking at times, so at least there's that...?

Bottom line, I went in with only moderate expectations, and even though everyone loves Romero, the lovable grandfather of our collective zombie apocalypse, I have to say that this time's he's struck out big time. :(

IN BRUGES review

Ray (Colin Farrell) and Ken (Bredan Gleeson) are a couple Irish hitmen hiding in the picturesque town of Bruges (it's in Belgium ya know) until they hear from mob boss Harry, (stunt casting provided by Ralph Fiennes) as it seems their last hit didn't go as planned. Ken is more than happy to sightsee along the canals and medieval buildings, but Ray is wound up way too tight to play tourist in "fucking Bruges!". Soon enough we get assault and battery, drug use, gun play, hookers, double crosses, and a dwarf... but hey, the town is really a fairy tale wonderland!


There's promise here as a black comedy, the writing is clever and appropriately not politically correct, but the overwrought dramatic sequences just don't mesh with the rest of the film. Colin Farrell does a good job as the twitchy and not too bright Ray, and Gleeson is great (as he always is) as the philosophical killer who has no delusions about his actions. Perhaps the real problem is that we've all seen this before, except the scenery is nicer than in a Guy Richie film.

Oh, and there's some great cursing :/

CLOVERFIELD review

I'm hesitant to quote a film featuring the number two Scientologist, but CLOVERFIELD had me at hello. Hell, it didn't even have a name back then! On that fateful opening weekend of last summer's "blockbuster" that shall remain nameless, I witnessed the teaser trailer and was hooked. Give me the large scale destruction of a major metropolis, leave me wanting more (what the hell was that?) AND don't distract me with a big star's face... I'm sold!

As told through 'found footage' recorded by a small group experiencing the 'event'. We meet Rob (Michael Stahl-David) at his going away party, along with his brother Jason (Mike Vogel), Jason's girlfriend Lily (Jessica Lucas), Rob's 'main dude' Hud (T.J. Miller), the girl Hud is crushing on, Marlena (Lizzy Caplan), and Rob's best friend/crush Beth (Odette Yustman). Panic and chaos ensues as 'something' very large cuts a swath of destruction through Manhattan, leaving our group of friends running for their lives. Everything that we see is what was camcorded my Hud, (Heads Up Display... cute) which gives us the perspective of a disaster at the ground level. It's not about a group of heroes rising up to battle the creature and save the day, it's about surviving a catastrophe too absolute to even wrap your head around, and that's what makes it compelling.


This film was pretty high on my list of anticipated releases, and the overabundant viral marketing only pulled me in more. The main characters even have MySpace pages for crying out loud! Thankfully none of it spoiled any aspect of the film, it just left me asking more questions as I pondered the origin of the creature, which is entirely inconsequential as far as the movie goes.

So, about the film... is it THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT meets GODZILLA? Sort of, and not really. Let's get the knee-jerk comparisons out of the way: shaky-cam found footage and a very large monster... check. What it's not is a slow burn of paranoia or a comment on the evils of atomic energy. It's been called a love story with a giant monster (not IN love with a giant monster, mind you) but that's only true in the sense that it's the device that gets us on the ride, and that's what it's all about.


When Rob gets a phone call from Beth, hurt and trapped in her apartment, his friends, and us in the audience, get on this great ride into the heart of the chaos. This is where the film succeeds without question, and what makes it a great theatrical experience. Or a dizzy and queasy experience, depending on your tolerance of shaky-cam. It's the thrill of the chased as they encounter the monster, the military, and navigate through the wreckage of NYC.


There has been some criticism leveled at the film for exploiting the imagery of the terrorist attacks on 9/11, and you can't help but recall it's aftermath while watching scenes of buildings collapsing in Manhattan. I really didn't find it exploitive in a tasteless way, I think it's just a matter of accepting that any film that mirrors those events in any way is going to strike a cord. If it's "too soon" as some will say, then who decides when it's not? And let's face it, all manner of cinematic destruction has rained on Manhattan since we've had the technology to do so. Will we frown on movies in the past that have wrecked up NYC? What about GHOSTBUSTERS! What about ARMAGEDDON? (OK, that's a trick question.)


What I really liked about the film is what a lot of others may complain about. Not enough monster! What/how/why is this happening? I think CLOVERFIELD is a great example of "less is more". It grounds the story in terms that we can relate to, which are survival, and the safety of those we care about.

ONE MISSED CALL (2008) review

"Hello Hollywood, I was talking with all the other robots and we want you to stop remaking Asian horror films. Thank you."

ONE MISSED CALL fails to engage on pretty much every level. It's an exercise in mediocrity that cannot even raise my ire at it's awfulness, it just lays there like a starfish in your bed.*

Uber-cute Shannyn Sossamon's friend receives a strange phone message from herself in the future, starts to see weird apparitions, and then dies on the day and time of the message. Then someone else in the dead girl's phone receives a similar message, and so on and so on. Shannyn's investigation into the cell phone curse is soon joined by the one expression of Edward Burns, playing a police detective whose little sister has just died mysteriously.

Where to begin? Obnoxiously pointless visual flourish to start? Check. Bad script? Check. Acting was phoned in? (sorry, couldn't resist) Check. Mediocre and unimaginative ghostly visions? Check? Jump outta your seat scares? Not a chance.

The minor characters, whose sole purpose were to be drearily dispatched, could have been played by cardboard cutouts. The characters leap in logic that a ghost can't call your cell if you take out the battery is mind-boggling. And the bottom line is, it just isn't scary at all!

The original film (Chakushin Ari, 2003) was Takashi Miike's stab at J-horror, and addressed the now familiar societal themes of isolation due to technology, child abuse, and the ability of long black hair to frighten us. The remake barely touches on any of this, and leaves us nothing to think about afterwards (except whether or not someone will pick up the damn phone, which might mean a sequel... groan!) Check out the original on dvd, but do not accept the charges on this latest call.

BLOOD CAR review

Sure, it's only 2 weeks into the future, but times are tough for vehicular culture. The price of gas is beyond reach for all but the filthy rich, and the subsequent automotive graveyards only serve as convenient hideouts for fornicating teenagers. Archie Andrews, vegan kindergarten teacher and all around nice guy, has a plan to get us all behind the drivers seat again, but responsibly this time. Unfortunately, his experiments with an engine that runs on wheatgrass is making little headway, until he accidentally adds a bit of his own blood to the mix. And thus begins his downward spiral into murder, depravity, and madness!

A hilarious take on THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS in our eco-conscious times, Blood Car makes the most of it's modest budget with a gonzo enthusiasm and a sublime sense of humour. Archie's struggle with his principles plays out in his relationships with two women; Lorraine, the 'sweet' girl who sells Archie his wheatgrass and clearly has always had a crush on him, and Denise, the 'bad' girl who sells meat and only notices Archie after he gets his car up and running. We never question the logic behind these two characters working opposite stands in a deserted parking lot.

It doesn't take long for Archie to fall from grace once he's had crazy sex with the meat stand girl. And since Denise is really only interested in his car, that means plenty of victims for the blood car. Oh, and the government are watching him of course.

BLOOD CAR works wonderfully as a surreal comedy punctuated with an array of blood-splattering; young, old, and fluffy alike! Perhaps not to every one's taste, but I wonder if Al Gore can appreciate it?

IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE review

LOOK OUT! Uwe Boll is back! Whether that's a bad thing or a terrible thing is up to debate. However, he not going away anytime soon, considering he has 3 other films coming out this year! (BLOODRAYNE 2: DELIVERANCE, SEED, and POSTAL) His latest is an 'epic' fantasy with an 'all-star' cast including Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Claire Forlani, John Rhys-Davies, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, Matthew Lillard, AND Burt Reynolds as The King! Seriously... is it gambling debts or a stack of incriminating photos that compelled all these actors into this river wild of career suicide?!?

Statham leads the way as Farmer, a farmer(?) with an adoring wife (Forlani) and a plucky young son living a simple, unassuming life. Ray Liotta is a sorcerous mofo who spends his time seducing Leelee Sobieski and teaching orcs (I mean Krugs) to wear armour and fight with swords. The land is in peril, there's a traitor in the King's court, and Farmer is dragged into the conflict after the death of his son and the kidnapping of his wife. Gee, do you think Farmer is meant for something greater than his fields?

Surprisingly this is not a total disaster. Sure, it's too long (and Boll has a longer cut up his sleeve), it's a very familiar and sub-standard fantasy world at best, and the script is atrocious and laugh out loud funny.

On the positive side, the script is atrocious and laugh out loud funny! Stand outs in this department come courteously of the outrageous over-acting of Burt Reynolds, who discusses the benefits of seaweed in farm irrigation, and Matthew Lillard, whose every line is comedy gold!
The battle scenes are competent, if not terribly exciting. And hey, let's throw in a troupe of ninjas and few woodland faeries rejected from the Cirque du Soleil while we're at it.

Thankfully I saw this with a crowd at the Toronto After Dark Film Festival, who understood full well what we were in store for, and could actually enjoy it as we laughed and commiserated with each other. Dr. Boll himself was on hand for a Q&A, which included him bad mouthing Ray Liotta, and telling us how Jason Statham thinks the film is 20 minutes too long.

AACHI AND SSIPAK review

What can be said about a future where the only renewable energy source is human faeces? Sure, you're rewarded with a narcotic popsicle for your 'donation' to the city, but there is the chance that you may mutate into a small blue subhumanoid.

Aachi and Ssipak are a couple of hustler/thugs in this odious world, caught between the Diaper Gang, mutants addicted to the Juicy Bars dispensed by government issue toilets, and the government's top cyborg cop, just looking to get rich and get laid.

The outrageous and kinetic animation style serves this garish and hyper-violent world perfectly. Chock full of anal humour, over the top shoot outs, and many obvious references to other films such as BASIC INSTINCT and INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. It's rude and crude and hilarious at times, but not overly compelling as a story. It's like having street meat* at 2am, great at the time, but you feel a little dirty, and ultimately it's forgettable in the grand scheme of things. Watch it with your drinking buddies and a few pints for maximum enjoyment!


*Street meat refers to a hot dog from a street vendor, not what you're probably thinking with that dirty mind of yours!

MULBERRY STREET review

Opening up the Toronto After Dark Film Festival this year is the small budget 'viral apocalypse' film MULBERRY STREET. This is very much a post 9-11 New York, perhaps a little paranoid, and under more reconstruction than just the buildings that fell that day. Big corporate development is buying up old tenement buildings in the grittier parts of town, including one on Mulberry Street where our protagonists live.

Clutch is scarred from his previous life as a boxer, and well known for his good deeds by all the tenants. He catches the eye of bartender Kay, who lives with her teenage son. Clutch gets word that his daughter Casey is coming home, her stay in a Veteran's hospital has ended after a tour of duty in the Middle East. This is also good news to the cross-dressing Coco, Clutch's best friend and perhaps second parent to Casey.

Throughout the day we hear newscasts of strange attacks in the subways, it seems that the rat population is on the offensive. Victims who survive the attacks begin to turn into something zombie-like, but more accurately, rage infected rat people! Soon enough the tenants are under attack. While Clutch struggles to save his friends from the ever growing horde, Casey races through the invested city to reach her father. Manhattan is quarantined, and it's citizens are left to fend for themselves.

It is so refreshing to watch a horror film that actually takes the time to develop it's characters, because when the shit goes down, you actually care about them, and the horrors they face become all the more frightening to the audience.

On the downside, being a low budget film like this, it can fall into the "shakey-cam" school of action, in order to hide the limited practical effects of the rat people. In the case of this film though, it's a very minor grievance because there's so much more to it than just violence and gore.

The acting is great all across the board, which you don't usually find in low budget horror films, and it conveys a great sense of dread throughout the film, because no one is safe.

TRANSFORMERS review

Instead of the review of the TRANSFORMERS I didn't write because I was too blinded with anger and dismay, let's watch Michael Bay on South Park instead.

HALLOWEEN (2007) review

When I heard that someone was re-making/re-imagining/version 2.0ing John Carpenter's 1978 classic my first reaction was a predictable *groan/eye-roll*. But then the fact that Rob Zombie was tackling the writing/directing movies gave me a glimmer of hope. I wasn't a fan of HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES, but it showed his love of the genre, and THE DEVIL'S REJECTS had a gritty 70's aesthetic and a mean streak a mile wide that I appreciated. However, I must give Zombie's third film the stink-eye.

First off, Zombie caught a lot of flack from the fans when they found out he was going to give Michael Myers a back story. The theory being that what made the original film frightening was the fact that you had no idea what Michael was, and thus he's credited as "The Shape". Sound reasoning. But I actually didn't take issue with Zombie giving us the story of young Michael, and what made him the silent killer we all know and fear. Turns out it was this first half of the film held promise.
For the most part I think sequels and remakes are the territory of a bankrupt imagination, so go ahead, change it up, cuz at the end of the day, it's a different movie, and in no way deteriorates the original.
That being said, Michael's origin turns out to be rather textbook, though I suppose the atypical abusive male authority figure and a propensity for animal abuse is better than the "Cult of Thorn" nonsense that the worst of the previous sequels threw up on us. Another issue I take with the life of young Michael is what appears to be a Zombie trademark, which after only 3 films may be a sign of a real shortness of reach. Michael's family are the sleaziest, most foul-mouthed trailer trash you can imagine, and it comes off as caricature.

Now onto the second half, with our little Michael all grown up into the monsterously huge ex-wrestler (Tyler Mane) who's incredibly strong, spry, and silent. Here's where it all goes downhill fast. It's clear to see that Zombie loves the monsters, and it shows in his inability or disinterest in writing the heroes. Not that there are heroes in this film, just victims. Michael's psychiatrist and eventual nemesis Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) comes across arrogant and completely inept in battling Michael, but at least he has his moments, unintentionally comedic as they are. Even worse off is our survivor girl Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton) who's ridiculous portrayal as the 'good girl' is utterly annoying and unbelievable. Then again, considering the paper thin character she had to work with I'm weary to chalk this up to her ability as an actor.
I won't get into the mobius strip of a plot that would have us believe Michael can recognize his teenage sister from a baby photo, or the inconsistency of Michael's behaviour after spending so much time establishing that Michael only lashed out in retaliation. I won't even discuss the obvious 'dumb' factor here, where the bodycount hinges on all the victims making moronic decisions that lead them onto Michael's knife.
I must, however, strongly question the choice of the last set piece, having Michael stalk Laurie through his old dilapidated house. It was too dark to tell where the hell anyone was, and it turned into a bad home demolition.
Ultimately I'd label this a moderate failure, and yet another reason to shun the onslaught of remakes that we just don't need.

MR. BROOKS review

This utterly ridiculous thriller asks an awful lot from its audience. First, we're expected to believe in 'wood-like' Kevin Costner as the perfect family man/pillar of the community who happens to be addicted to serial murder, and then that his murderous invisible friend would be William Hurt!

*INCONCEIVABLE! Fezzini declares.*

So, Mr. Brooks has been a good boy for quite some time, but we know this must change in the first act. Unfortunately he gets caught in the act by a pervy neighbor with a camera (Dane Cook) who later blackmails him in order to become his protégé. Unfortunate for me, I imagined Dane Cook getting off watching Kevin Costner. *Shudder*

On the case is police detective Demi Moore, who happens to be a multi-millionaire currently going through an ugly divorce. Oh, and also, she is being pursued by another serial killer who has just escaped custody.
And on top of this is another sub-plot concerning Mr. Brook's daughter, who comes home after dropping out of college for mysterious reasons.
This all makes for a mashed-up sloppy mess, plot holes and common sense be damned.

There are many opportunities for outright laughter throughout, most obvious of which is when Mr. Brooks ends up in an a silly disguise, which I think he stole from Ben Stiller on the set of Starsky and Hutch!

Except for William Hurt's performance as Marshall, who at least appears to be enjoying himself as the villianous imaginary friend, the characters are as thin as a razor blade. The intertwining subplots are too ridiculous to care about, but not bat-shit crazy enough to really groove on. It's an unfortunate curiosity at best, 'enjoy' it on cable with your buddies and a few drinks.

FRACTURE review

I caught a sneak of this new thriller today starring Anthony Hopkins and Ryan Gosling and I must say that I was pleasantly surprised.

Basically, Anthony Hopkins plays Ted Crawford, an engineer specializing in fracture mechanics, who discovers that his wife is having an affair, so he shoots her. Ryan Gosling plays a hot shot DA named Willie Beachum who has an almost unbeatable court record and a pending position at a prestigious corporate law firm.

This should be Willie's last case, open and shut within the week considering the apparent overwhelming evidence, including a signed confession. Ted, however, has an elaborate scheme up his sleeve which Hopkins delivers with steely eyed intelligence and a droll sense of humour. Of course we've seen this from Hopkins before in the role of Hannibal Lecter, but it's still fun to watch. Also muddying the waters is the fact that hostage negotiator Rob Nunally, (Billy Burke) who arrives on the scene of the shooting is actually the one having the affair with Ted's wife. In short order Willie's case begins to fall apart as the 'evidence' begins to lose all merit.

There is also a sub-plot involving Willie's affair with his soon to be superior Nikki Gardner, (Rosamund Pike) a cold corporate shark who questions his commitment to his new position when his last case doesn't wrap up in short order as was expected. Gosling continues to shine as the cocky lawyer who wrestles with the ethical issues of winning at any cost and leaving the public sector for his swanky new corporate position. Watching these two actors go head to head is where the film shines, especially since I caught one of the central surprises for our climatic finale as it was happening in the first 20 minutes.

Overall, a fairly standard yet entertaining thriller.

GRINDHOUSE review

It's two movies for the price of one! It's four trailers for movies that don't exist! (Yet?) And yes, it's a big bag of gory, sleazy, retro fun! Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino are attempting to show us their version of a 'grindhouse' movie as well as emulate the actual experience of watching a double feature in a sleazy old theatre where the film prints were raggedy and worn out, and a creaky unmaintained projector might burn a hole through the film before your very eyes.

Our first feature is Robert Rodriguez's PLANET TERROR, a manic and extremely wet ode to the zombie apocalypse we all hoped would happen in the 80's, cheesy synth score and all. It's easy to see that this will be the overall favorite of the two films, considering it's almost entirely one payoff after another of outrageous and copious blood, action, and cringe-worthy humour. Besides, how can you go wrong when you have a go-go dancer with a machine-gun leg? So yes, it's fun as all heck! That being said, it's problem is that you have too many characters running around who we really don't get to know or care about, and you almost feel like Rodriquez is parodying his own films. It's another case where the action is carrying the story, not the characters.

Next up is Quentin Tarantino's DEATH PROOF, his 70's flavoured mash-up of fast car/girl revenge film. It's pure Tarantino in its long stretches of geek-cool dialogue and film buff references. In a great performance by Kurt Russell we get Stuntman Mike, a killer with a car instead of a knife, stalking two groups of young women. It's a slow build up to the 'white-hot juggernaut at 200 miles per hour!" we've been promised, and considering the almost constant chaotic pace of the previous feature it may seem even slower. This will no doubt be the rally cry of its dejecters. I have to seriously wonder though what we'd all feel about it if seen on it's own and not as part of a double feature? That being said, there is some great action in between all the chit-chat, especially in the stunt work of Zoe Bell, who in a nice bit of casting actually plays herself.

The fake trailers are great little gems, the scratched up and damaged look of the film is a nice reminder of an age before our obsession with digital perfection, and the missing reels will infuriate in the best possible way. GRINDHOUSE does succeed in conveying an experience at the movies that has never been seen in your gaudy and shiny multiplex, and it's well worth it.

Sharpening my pen...

In anticipation of seeing Grindhouse tonight, here are some previous reviews that were posted online elsewhere:

Altered
Blood and Chocolate
Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms
The Number 23
Rocky Balboa
Night at the Museum
Eragon

And check out this sweet still from Edgar Wright's (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) fake Grindhouse trailer, DON'T.